carnimirie: (Default)
rowan ★ like i've never seen the sky before ★ ([personal profile] carnimirie) wrote2012-09-08 12:32 pm

(no subject)

there's a part of me that feels like I should give up on DW, on RP, on internet-hobby based pursuits. I need to be out and about and DOING THINGS.

I wonder about this world we live in. I am equal parts complacent to it and in extreme hatred of it. I want to destroy everything but I'm too lazy to try. I like to pretend I'm someone who will matter someday. I mean, I know to the few people who care about me I do matter now and I don't want to trivialize their feelings, but at the same time my mind cries out that it's not enough. If I have to be here on this Earth in this time and place, is it too much to ask of myself to do something that will tell anyone in anytime that I WAS HERE. I MATTER no matter what time you're from or place or planet, look back to this small insignificant time and place and see something spectacular in me.

I wonder about myself, my heart and mind and whatever it is that we call a soul. What is the best of me? What is the greatest thing that can come from my life? I'm 24 years old and already I feel like I have no time, so little time to discover the answer. On the one hand that can't be true, anyone would say that I have plenty of time. On the other hand who can know how much time anyone has?

I want to leap out of my seat right this instance and get going. I wish I could run so I could run and run until I reach that unreachable star that is my lofty dream. I feel bogged down by the expectations of others. I suppose by others I mostly mean my mom. I know she wants the best in me, but no matter how I try to tell her gently, what she thinks is the best is not on my personal list of priorities. I know I should live in a practical way, even though my heart tells me that living practical is not where my happiness lies. I don't want to just follow the traditional path: go to college, get a job, a house, a family, a mortgage, save for kids' educations, save for my own retirement. Be ordinary. So many people are. I know I am. But I don't want to stay that way. I want to break out of ordinary. I want to get to the heart of the truth of our existence.

I'm probably being stupid. But it seriously makes me sad, thinking I may just always be ordinary ho-hum me my whole life. Still, I can dream, right? I can wish and hope to my heart's content but none of it will mean a damn thing unless I get up and DO. I just wish I knew where to start. But isn't that just an excuse?

Maybe it's just that I'm lonely. I need life and laughter to fill up my minutes and hours of solitude and then maybe I wouldn't think so damn much. I wish I could gather all the people I love into the same little town, so I could see them every day. I wish I could give a real hug or a shoulder to lean on when it's needed. And vice versa.

Haha, I never did bring my lj icons over to this journal. But the one I do have pretty much is me all over right now. Siiiigh.